Current Events
Posted on November 06, 2008
Black President, Phillies win the World Series, a really attractive girl made a pass at me, I'm actually making a new post on my web site...I guess as Kevin Garnett yelled like a mad man after his Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship last season "Anything's possible!!!!"
How do you deal with Hecklers?
Posted on June 11, 2008
This question has come up a lot over my years of comedy service. And it's not a simple answer because each heckler situation is different. The majority of hecklers are drunks who just think "they are part of the show" or "they're helping us out". Or as Seinfeld said No, not part of the show! But, once you learn how to deal with these type of hecklers it can be fun because eventually they'll make an ass out of themself with little or no effort from you the comic. For an example of this check out my Media Page: SHAVING Parts 1 and 2
Then, there is the malicious heckler. A real A-HOLE. This type of heckler isn't trying to be "part of the show" he's trying to ruin the show. It's a little harder to deal with. The key here is shutting them up as soon as possible and getting on with the show. I usually do this by saying, "Dad that's enough."
Finally, the heckler who doesn't know they're a heckler. You'll say a joke and then they'll repeat the punch line because they loved it so much (yes, it happens to me all the time, skeptic reader). This is harmless at first but as it continues over and over again it eventually starts taking away from the act. Ultimately, boys and girls the most important thing with any heckler situation is that you have the rest of the crowd on your side before you proceed with the appropriate response and that you don't have a knife in your pocket.
Eagles Draft needs? What needs?
Posted on April 15, 2008
this is a story I wrote for PhillyPurge.com for more check the web site...
Aah, yes spring is in the air and you know what that means? Another horrible start for the Phillies? Well, probably. But, no I'm talking about the made for TV annual bore-a-thon known as the NFL draft. Does the first round really need to take seven hours? Even Chris Berman has a hard time blowing wind for that long. It could go on all day!
Remember some of those stellar Philadelphia Eagle draft picks of the past? Can you say Lenard Renfro, Lester Holmes, Mike Mamula? Or how about Jon Harris? That's right, that Jon Harris - defensive end from the University of Virginia. The Eagles' first round draft pick in the 1997 draft - 25th overall - because he was tall! What? Yeah, Shawn Bradley was tall too. How'd that work out? Yes, bad draft drafts were like a rite of passage in Philadelphia this time of year. Almost as predictable as a Pat Burrelll strikeout with the bases loaded. But, alas came the Andy Reid era with such gems as Brian Westbrook in the 3rd round, Michael Lewis and Sheldon Brown in round 2, Trent Cole 5th round, Todd Herremans 4th round and many more. It seemed great draft after great draft. That is until last year, folks. Because while the New York Football Giants (not to be confused with the New York Billiards Giants or the New York Equestrian Giants) were snagging such impact players as Steve Smith, Jay Alford, Kevin Boss and Ahmad Bradshaw - all vital to their Super Bowl success - the Eagles were making the claim that they had "no needs to fill".
Well, if the Eagles could find zero needs going into last season - a season finished 8-8 by the way - why should they think they have any needs this time around? Pass rush? Receivers? A kick returner who can actually catch the ball? Instead, I say let's get creative. And NO, I don't mean creative like drafting a quarterback of the future seven years from now named Kevin I like to eat my corn off the Kolb (take that Berman!)! I mean, creative like a new team mascot. How about the Western Kentucky Hilltopper? It just looks like a big red dot. Ok, we'd make it a green dot! Or the St. Joe's Hawk? Have it flap its wings all game. That'd be entertaining. Or if not a mascot how about an entire cheerleading squad? No disrespect to the current roster. But, what if we traded all our picks for the UCLA squad or the Florida cheerleaders? Can you say upgrade? I'm just saying, you think you don't have needs? I'll give you some needs!
Call Me Jimmy Kimmel!
Posted on April 04, 2008
Hey Jimmy!
This is Jeff Lutz - the guy who dropped off his comedy business card with one of your band members about a month ago. It was the old guy. The band member that is. Anyway, on the happenstance you are reading my web site and we are now somehow distantly related (I'm pretty sure only my family reads this shit) I wanted to let you know I have cleared up my schedule and will happily come out and do a spot on your show anytime. I look forward to your call.
Keep banging Sarah Silverman for me.
Your soon to be new best friend,
Jeff
Standing in Nashville (Last Comic Style)
Posted on March 12, 2008
Another year. Another line. Only this time it was in Nashville, TN not NYC and temperatures were above freezing. After waiting 14 hours last year, fellow comedian Matt Kemeny and I (we actually met waiting in line last year) were grissled Last Comic veterans. Neither rain nor sleet nor Mitch the dancing joke teller - yes, that's right he would do a shimmy shake everytime he told a joke. It was quite amusing - would get in our way this time around!
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 29TH: Matt and I finished our gig at the Hamburg Hard Bean - a breeding ground for superstar comedians everywhere. I've heard Seinfeld once even took a shit there - and drove to Matt's apartment in Harrisburg, PA. We waited for Matt's girlfriend Mindy to get back from a Beach Boys concert. Did you know they were still alive? We would be taking her car. Granted, I'd never met this girl before.
SATURDAY MARCH 1ST: We drove all through the night. Nearly 12 hours and 7 dead deer later we arrived at the Downtown Comfort Inn Nashville. I went to sleep. In a bed! Matt and Mindy drove around town. There were actually people lined outside Zanies Comedy Showroom for Last Comic Standing already! The audition wasn't until Monday morning or another 45 hours later! We said "screw that" and decided to hit the honkytonk that night. Our first stop: Rippy's BBQ. Matt and I did not hesitate to order the ribs. It came with a side of pancake. No syrup. I'd heard of chicken and waffles before but never ribs and a pancake. Odd. Next stop was some country bar. We ran into a lady with a crazy big hat on in her 40's (would not tell us her actual age) celebrating her birthday. She was ecstatic to meet two "real live comedians". Think thick southern accent. Apparently, real live comedians were scarce down these parts just like the deer population on highway 81 after the previous night. I tried to walk back to the hotel drunk that night. 12 blocks and three hours later I arrived back at the room.
SUNDAY MARCH 2ND: We decided to get in line around 3:00pm. There seemed to be about 40-50 people in front of us. Good shape! Of course, that's what we thought when we got in line in NYC last year. More importantly, we were well equipped this time - chairs, comforters, snacks. Plus, we had Mindy as our ace in the hole acting as our personal assistant and chaffeur all night. We wanted burgers. We got burgers! We wanted more blankets. We got more blankets! We wanted better material. Well.....she's not a miracle worker you know. Even the bathroom situation looked optimistic with a Dollar General directly in front of us, two gas stations, and some perfectly good shrubs. Ok, spanning the line: the people in front of us were from Florida. They had a sweeter set up than my last apartment. Tent, beds, air mattresses, flatscreen (I'm just kidding), the one lady even busted out a full-on snowsuit in the middle of the night. The guy on the other side of us was from Indiana and he was studying to be a preacher. Yes, he was in the right line. I told him he had all night to try and convert me. He politely declined. I asked him if he would pray for Matt and I? He said he was only praying for himself. What a bastard! Next to Preacher Zach was Steve from Illinois. Steve from Illinois started telling us a story about how he got into comedy and why he loved it so much and oh by the way he had been shot after a show one time. Wait. What's that? Yeah, apparently after a show in St. Louis which he didn't even get to perform on Steve was carjacked and shot in the stomach! He had the scar to prove it! I felt I could sympathize with his hardship. I told him of our struggles waiting in line last year and how it was so cold it felt like we had been shot several times in the stomach! I don't think Steve wanted to hear it. A couple people up from Steve was Mitch from Georgia now stationed in Tennessee. He offered me his sandwich. I said no. Mitch liked to dance. Sometimes he would dance and then tell a joke. Sometimes he would tell a joke and then dance. But, Mitch always danced. Next to Mitch was Justin McClure. This McClure character was too good for this line. He had been a semi-finalist on a previous season of Last Comic Standing, lived in LA, and had an agent. What the hell was he doing sleeping on the street like the rest of us bozo's? Well, McClure had an industry audition in San Francisco but was unable to make it so he decided to fly to Nashville and give it a shot just waiting in line. Finally, a little bit farther down was a guy wearing a blonde wig and a necklace that said D2Q (still not sure what that means). Periodically, throughout the night he would spend his time dressing up a monkey. Sadly, this guy probably got more air time than any of us!
MONDAY MARCH 3RD: The big day. The previous night wasn't so bad on the street. Especially since I snuck back to the hotel to take a nap and a shower. It was a glorious shower if there ever was one! At 9:00am the booked auditions started. There would be 12 of them. Meanwhile, we were entertained by Bill Bellamy trying to read cue cards. At about 10:30am Matt and I found ourselves in the front of the line. Holy shit! We might actually have a shot at this thing! Don't step on the road and get hit by a car now! We get called with 10 other people to come into a tent located in back of the club. A lady - presumably a producer but who the hell knows - is sitting at the table. She asks us to go around saying our names and something that sticks out about us. I said I was half Jewish/half PA German. Matt said he likes ping pong. Then, we each got 30 seconds to a minute to do some our act. The first couple people were really nervous. Mostly rambling on, not telling actual jokes. But, it was crazy. The tent was being blown all over the place. There people at the next table also doing their acts. Some were shouting. Our producer lady was playing with her phone. Not really listening. By the time it got back to me and Matt we felt pretty good about our chances. We both did about 3 or 4 jokes - which were actual jokes - and they told us if they wanted us back for another audition they'd call by 1:00pm. At 12:15pm I GOT A CALL! It was some shit about insurance. DAMN IT! Unfortunately, that was the last call I'd get before 1:00pm. Oh well, I guess my train to bigtimeville will have to wait a little longer. Later that night, we went to a karoake bar and I tried to hit on Diana DeGarmo (American Idol Season 2 runner-up). I dedicated my version of 'American Girl' to her. GOOD TIMES!
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